Our 'American Idol' Experience: Part III

When I say my brother is a great singer and has great talents in music, I understand why you might think that I'm just biased and that he's not any better than the average Joe. But, as unbiased as I possibly can be, I really do think he has great talent. He is the lead singer of his band, South for the Summer, which he and some friends put together a couple years ago. He also plays some bass guitar. They all have remarkable talent for music. They write all of their own music, though they also cover songs too. And I love his music! I think that the songs are well-written (again, all original material) and that they're catchy. Plus, Jared has been a DJ and singer at Roxy's 50's diner at the Stratosphere Tower in Las Vegas for the last few years. Keep in mind that he started that gig when he was still in high school. So, please, don't take my opinion for granted just because I am his brother.

TUESDAY: HYPE

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So, there we sat with our $9 bottles of water and pretzel. Even before we had first gotten to our assigned seats, the sound of singing beckoned us down. The producers had the arena singing this year's 'crowd songs', or the songs they have everyone sing in every city for their little video they'll play at the beginning of the TV season to make it look like we were all having a wonderful time. And, in all honesty, it was kind of fun. At the very least, the singing and the sight of all the banners and stuff helped us forget about the disastrous morning. But, even that was too good to last.

After we sang the songs about a dozen times, they told us to go crazy for the cameras. We had to be on our feet screaming and jumping around every time the camera was approaching our section. And we did that like a dozen times, at least, while the camera people tried this angle and that angle. They later started pulling people out of the audience and replacing them with 'prettier' people. You know, the stereotypical 'Utah girls'. And then they did the same shots all over again. This went on for at least 2 hours, no kidding. Then, as people began getting tired of that business and leaving their seats for food and restrooms, etc., the producers yelled at us over the PA system, saying that anyone not back in their seats in 5 minutes was going to be permanently replaced and sent to the end of the audition line. They "had a job to do" and we couldn't audition until they got what they needed. That's when it all became real to me--this was all just hype. They didn't care about us. They were using us! And I don't know about you, but that just rubs me the wrong way. I felt like the only thing missing from the picture was a bull whip in the producers' hands. So, I was done 'having fun' for the cameras, and I think Jared felt the same way. It will be extremely funny watching for us on TV.

Later on, they finally set up half of the tables to conduct auditions. We were in the 4th section away from the front of the line, so, roughly 1,800 people away from auditioning. At the rate they were moving, it was going at least 3 hours before our section even got looked at by the producers.

About 45 minutes later, very well-timed and probably planned that way because the whole arena was getting restless and fed up with things, they announced that auditions would be suspended for about an hour while they did some more camera shots. But this time, there would be a special guest: host, Ryan Seacrest. And, oh, you should've heard the girls go crazy! You could've just ax-murdered their families, but, man, if you sent Seacrest out to them afterward, they would've forgotten everything. That's what it felt like. So Seacrest comes out and does some of his little promo takes--purposely surrounded by cute blondes who were hand-selected by the producers, mind you--and leaves. Whoo hoo! Glad that's done... Seacrest probably went back to his presidential suite while we were left to sit for hours--no food, little water, and little to no motivation.

TUESDAY: GAME TIME

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For those of you who are fortunate enough to not know the audition process, I'll try to explain it to you. There are many levels of auditions in the whole process before you can even make it on to Hollywood, and there are at least two stages before you can even audition in front of the real judges (the famous trio). The first stage is where we and the other 7,000 hopefuls were at that point. This stage involves you being randomly assigned to one of eleven stations in groups of four where you would either audition in front of a low-level producer, an associate producer, or a bunch of random temps (as far as I could tell). Each singer got approximately 10 seconds. Then, the 'judge' would either keep you behind to advance you to stage two, while dismissing the others, or he or she would dismiss all four of you at once. And that's it. After putting up with all the hours of crap that morning, which started at 3am for us, you got 10 seconds to sing in front of someone who probably couldn't carry a tune in a bucket themselves. Ten seconds.

As we sat there for hours waiting for our section's chance to audition, we watched the judges closest to us. We began to notice a funny pattern. The two tables closest to us were manned by two official looking adults, so obviously not the temps that I mentioned previously, but most likely the lower-level producers. The tables farthest from us were staffed by the temp-looking people, kids or interns, basically. We noticed that the farther tables were letting alot more people through than the closer tables. In fact, the producers' tables let nobody through at all for a long time.

If you're acquainted at with all with probability theory or statistics, this should seem especially odd. Doesn't it make sense that if you take a random distribution of talent and divide it up randomly that you'll end up with a bunch of little random distributions of talent? In other words, every table should have been allowing people through at approximately the same rate. Such wasn't the case, so I became suspicious. This wasn't a talent search at all...

I started pay close attention to one of the close tables. The producer was a middle-aged woman who couldn't have appeared less excited to be there. Her eyes were constantly half-shut and glazed over, her head was cocked to one side and rested heavily on one hand which was propped securely on the table. She seemed to sigh at every new song she had to endure. Often, she would hold her hand up after only a few seconds of a song and impatiently wave the performer back and away from her table. I think I could count the number of people she let through on one hand, and that's out of all the hours I sat and watched. Then, suddenly, as a new group of four approached the table and started to sing, she came alive! The first guy was a good looking, young black guy, dressed up to the nines. I couldn't hear at all what he sang. The next guy was his friend, equally good looking and dressed up. Again, I couldn't hear his song. But, you should've seen this lady. She sat straight up in her chair, paid close attention to them both, then asked them both to sing another song. She then dismissed the other two singers, and again, had the two guys sing again--for a long time. Then, she gets up from her table, gets her friend producer, and has the guys sing for him. They both talk behind their clipboards for a long time, nod some sort of approval, then she has them come up to the table, she fills out some paperwork, changes their wristbands, and sends them on their way to the next stage. And when I say that went on for a long time, that took like fifteen minutes! When everyone else had 10 seconds, fifteen minutes is an eternity! The lady then left her station, returned after a few minutes, and slumped back into her chair, back to her old routine. I remember thinking that she filled her quota. That's what that was. Too many things just didn't make sense. I'll bet the producers are given a specific goal for their auditions that day. They'll let the temps and interns find the semi-good filler talent or whatever, but the big time producers are the ones that are scouting for the ratings boost or 'the scoop', whatever that may be. I don't want to speculate what that is, it could be a number of things or it could be nothing. That's just what my gut says about the whole situation. So, I looked over at Jared and said, "Dude, whatever you do, don't get table 11!" Guess what table he got...

As Jared marched off with the rest of the section, he got coralled into the huge line which was four deep, and made his way to the front where he'd be assigned a table number to go to with his group. Seriously, the line was a thousand people strong, there were 11 possible tables to get assigned to. What are the freakin odds? As Jared's group did an about face and started walking back toward me, I remember thinking, "No freakin way!" And sure enough: table 11. I just couldn't believe it.

Jared approached the table. He told us that he chose to sing Marvin Gaye's "I Heard it through the Grapevine", a classic song, which Jared had practiced on and sounded amazing singing. His backups were a Bon Jovi song (always a good choice) and another song I can't remember now. I wasn't sure which one he was going to choose, but he later told me he sang Grapevine.

Just as Jared started to sing, I'll be damned if the lady didn't yawn right in Jared's face! She didn't even try to hide it, she didn't look sorry, nothing. Just a big, fat yawn. Jared told me afterwards that at that moment, he just didn't even care anymore. He sang as best he could, but his reasons to care all went away with her stupid yawn. After the last of them sang, she told them, in as mono-toned a voice as possible, lacking any semblance of emotion, "I know you all have sacrificed alot to be here and that you have amazing talent. Thank you for coming, but this just isn't your year. Please come back in the future. Have a nice day."

To say the least, I was a little disappointed--disappointed and angry--disappointed, angry, and offended. Yet, I was semi-relieved, too. And Jared felt the same way. It's just not worth it. After 9 or more hours of hell, we limped back to my car, and headed home.

Overall, it was a good experience. Now we know, right? And now we have a story to tell. In the end, it all boils down to the fundamental difference between a talent show and a reality show. I would go as far to say that it's also the difference between a reality show and a business, because that's what it is: a business. As a side note, this experience has permanently altered how I look at reality TV shows. I can't stand them anymore. 'Disenchantment' doesn't really do my experience justice...

Thank you all for reading. Give my brother's band a shout-out and if you're ever at Roxy's in Vegas, tell him Josh sent you.